Posted: 2:49 p.m. Friday, July 12, 2013
By Connor Tapp
There are a very few ways to make a sports-themed cap objectively terrible. Outlining your school's logo with the distinctive color of your chief rival is one of them.
The University of South Carolina is strangely proud of the fact that it launched its official online apparel and merchandise store in the year 2013 when most other schools have been
profitting off of their student-athletes' indentured servitude providing its fans with jerseys bearing randomly generated numbers for decades. Rest assured that when I finally pony up for an HDTV, I'm not going to be sending my friends and family an email blast on the subject.
Better late than never, I suppose, but they aren't exactly off to strong start when it comes to selling apparel that doesn't fill their customers with rage. Putting aside for a moment any objections I have (and I do have them) about wearing camouflage without irony in a setting in which tree bark-colored clothing is not required to prevent you from being shot or frightening a 10-point buck, the following image is a hate crime against the very people to whom the South Carolina athletics department is hoping to peddle merchandise:
As the product description boasts, this hat will "definitely get you noticed... at the next USC game", but it will be because it's hard to miss a person being chased by ten thousand drunk Gamecock fans who are wielding pitchforks, shotguns, and stray pieces of ladderball pipe.
I'm slightly more concerned about the product description's assertion that this is appropriate attire for huntin' (their word, not mine). If you find yourself hunting wildlife in a wooded area in which Clemson orange serves as effective camouflage, GET OUT OF THERE AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN. If it is not autumn, then there is some seriously messed up environmental stuff going on around you and, even if you make it out alive, anything you kill will not be safe for eating. If it is autumn, then you have some serious explaining to do about why you're in the woods instead of watching football.
If you buy this hat, wear it to a tailgate at Williams-Brice Stadium, and live to tell the tale, please please please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.